Nothing

I'm so over this, I'm so sick of you and you being a trigger.

Fear pt. 2

I'm not really sure how to start this off or where to start cause I'm not sure how I'm feeling.

For the past few days I've been having these dreams that just leave me feeling drained and exhausted. I'm curious as to if I have pushed my safety bubble to far.

I'm not really sad but I'm afraid. Of what I'm not sure of either.

That's actually a lie, the things I'm afraid don't have a end all be all. There are no answers.

I'm afraid I'll never have any kind of faith. Other people make it look so easily and I'd love to think that if my life is going astray that some higher power can fix it. Some higher power can make me all better. I can't, I stare at my hands and think this is all I can ever rely on.

I'm afraid that doubt will always get in the way. Branching off of my previous statement, I don't think I can ever fully believe in anything or anyone. Sure there are people who I trust more than others but there's always this constant paranoia that people are lying. They hate me. That I could die today and wouldn't be missed.

Maybe that's another fear in and of itself. That I'm easily replaced. It's funny how shit that happened years ago stays in your subconscious. That no matter what I do I'll be close, so close, but never good enough for anyone and anything.

I'm scared that I cannot be loved, or I never will be. I had one parent growing up, and that was a shit situation. I think that's when I developed my saviour complex. No matter what you did, I was going to save you. I would do anything to make it okay. This followed me into high school when my first boyfriend added to the fear of replacement by constantly telling me that he could always go to other girls and do the same thing. So now I have to save him but also do it how he likes it so he keeps me. Which eventually led me to my most destructive relationship in which I basically destroyed myself to try to save him, while he continued to destroy him.

After hitting rock bottom I very quickly gave up my savior complex. It was literally going to be reason I died, and I've already promised, if I ever kill myself it wouldn't be over a boy. I have to much pride to give him that satisfaction. Looking back, I've never gotten a proper form of love (romantically) so how the hell is this supposed to work cause I don't fucking know.

I'm afraid of being stagnant. Being stuck in one place, or situation, or part of my life forever. Maybe that's why I'm so restless. I can't live forever working a 9 to 5 with some mediocre relationship and kids wishing I would've tried more. No, I'm not settling for some sort of complacency for convenience or for safety. What doesn't kill you makes for a good story.

I'm afraid of marriage. Sure, I say I don't want to get married, and I don't because if I fall in love with someone for five years or do and they tell me they don't love me anymore I'm not sure if I could ever handle that. Marriage is a much bigger commitment than dating. If you break up after just dating, that's a lot easier to me. So to avoid the situation I'll never put myself in it.

I'm afraid of having kids cause I'll treat them like my mom treated me. It's that simple. Even now my my response is to hit kids when they irritate me or make me mad. I'm not putting anyone through that. No one.

One day hopefully I won't have any of these fears. Progress is slow but still progress right?

Nudity and Bullshit

Being an artist, and not that of the traditional kind, makes life as an artist interesting. I get the basic questions "oh do you draw?" Or "can you draw me?" The whole nine yards. Usually though once I tell them I'm an animator I get oooh and wow and "you'll work at *insert popular studio name here* one day" instead of the "maybe you should find a really job", which is kinda cool.

But that's not what this post is about.

As an artist I have a certain preference in the art I enjoy. I need it to make me feel something.

I've always tried to keep that in mind with my own art.

When I say feel I don't mean the blatantly obvious irony that needs to appeal to the basic "think outside the box" mentality.

For the longest I've been trying to find words to describe why looking at impressionist or cubism paintings never made me feel anything yet watching a girl drop paint filled eggs out of her vagina moved me.

I need to feel intimacy and vulnerability.

I think that's partially why I'm so attracted to nude art.

I need art to give me something so rarely found with people. Trust me, as someone who interacts with lots of different people daily, it's hard to actually get to know them.

Even with some of my friends, we laugh and joke around but we never really move past the surface. With some of the people I've had sex with have brought me nothing more than minor entertainment for a few hours (or minutes if they're that guy).

Perhaps, as bad as it sounds, why I play with peoples minds. I want to know what makes you tick, what gets under your skin at 1 am and what soothes you 4.

People are more than profiles to be edited

I just finished reading this Vice article about this photographer who took a picture every time she cried for three years. Emily Knecht is her name.

This idea has been around for awhile. Many people have taken pictures of themselves of other people. Very common in the trans community to show progress. To show a time lapse of some sort.

What I find different about Knecht is its direct opposite of the idea. There is no time lapse. In fact we see the same moment, ideally, every time. Crying is one of the most vulnerable state another human can show. We show it as a sign of relief, of a breaking point, of happiness. We also tend to hide it. We don't want others to see us cry. We don't want to crack the surface. Yet, here she is, for three years showing the world every, single, moment, rather it was happy or sad.

They are also very good shots too.

So there you have it. In my animations I hope to achieve the same thing. One of my favorites, Don Hertzfeldt World of Tomorrow is along the lines of what I want to do. No no no I haven't given up my idea of working in the game industry but at some point I want to freelance.

This was a nice break from my feely feels.

Fear

I went out last night and spent it at the blue fig, which is the hookah bar I basically lived at. I have been quite absent due to recent events but I started to miss it and the people there and so I decided to spend basically all night there until 6 a.m. in good company.

It was nice. It felt like nothing had changed and I had made a good decision and I'm getting even better. I'm always afraid of using the word better because it changes in an instant, my sickness is rude like that.

Then I woke up this morning, feeling....off.

Now today is Sunday. Every other Sunday they have what's called game day at the blue fig. I haven't missed one yet.

The sheer idea of talking to people made me tired. Like if they even looked at me my safety bubble would go away. I would slip and have to climb this hill all over again.

That anyone I talked to, was meaningless and would hurt me.

I very quickly recognized this feeling. I felt it mostly after I broke up officially with my on off again ex from two years ago? I'm terrible with time.

Out of all my break ups that one was the worst and the most frustrating because I lost my ability to trust and believe in anyone.

Coming from a super extrovert who loves being around people.

I felt afraid of everyone. I guess it's trust issues? But it was more than that.

Anyways back to today.

I showed face. My friend Mike was gonna loan me a few books so I decided I would go pick them up and return the last one he loaned me.

I was there for a total of ten minutes maybe less.

I wanted to stay, I was offered hookah and warm welcomes but for the time being they all felt like traps.

After leaving and going home I've settled down a bit, there's probably less people now so I might go back.

It was so interesting though. To think that my mindset from so long ago would come back.

It also made me realize how much I've changed from arguably the lowest point in my life.

I did fucking good.

P.s.

I stood up for my boundaries yesterday and I'm really proud.

P.s.s

They have this new cool thing with MAYA and live modeling and it's amazing

Dots, points and lines

I am extremely restless. I need constant change. I have stayed in this city for far too long and I need to go.

I need something to change because my mind is constantly three steps ahead of me and I can't keep up with the dreams or my fears our my nightmares

There is a constant motion and I want to jump off this huge wheel and fall into the unknown because everyday has become like the last.

I'm afraid to leave my safe bubble but I'm fighting against how small it is.

I am fighting for something.

What am I fighting for?

I watch my roommate suffer and I feel like I can't help her and that hurts

I watch my roommate suffer and I look down and see a reflection of myself sometimes and I'm afraid I'll die

I don't want to die

I'm gonna find a home

If it's the last thing I'll do I'm going to find a place to settle down.

I will find my calm

Rain

It's raining where I am. People always say that rain is calming. It's relaxing and soothing. It's somehow peaceful.

I hate rain. I'm not sure when I started to dislike it, I remember as a kid someone's going out to play in the rain. But now I hate it. It makes me sick, and sad and I feel captive for no reason. It changes the sky to this blanket of gray, there's no one around and all that's ever heard is this small pitter patter reminding you the sky is peeing.

Thunderstorms though, I love those. You can feel those. They are a true spectacle to me. From the colored lighting to the thunder that follows after. I like to sit outside and watch. These ridiculous winds uproot trees and knock over trash cans. Flood streets and cause mayhem. You can not escape a thunderstorm.

When the sky let's lose, go big or go home. I've lived my life by that saying for awhile. If you're gonna do something, put everything into it. All or nothing. Black or white. I live a black or white life.

Thing is, that I never learn, you can't put your all into something that is temporary in the hopes that that'll change. That because you put your all into it, it won't be temporary anymore. It will, and when it's gone, whatever or whoever it is, you will feel lost, betrayed, disappointed and mad.

But then again, if I don't put my all into it, I wonder if it's gone because I was only partially there.

So I think I've come to the conclusion. If it makes you happy, you get as much of it as you can. Get as much out of whoever or whatever it is. Understand that it is temporary. Understand that it or they will leave, this is inevitable. So get it while it's hot so when it's cold there's nothing you could've experienced that you didn't.

It will hurt to. Oh God it will fucking hurt, but I'm not one to ever play it safe when it comes to this. I should. I really should, it's how I end up in situations I'm in now, but I always wanna see how far I can go.

Living a black and white life is hard, but never boring.

Hazy

I haven't made a post all day cause nothing has really happened today. Which is kinda good I suppose.

I've been in the house all day reading and relaxing with my roommate. Oh I also have a roommate, her name is Aislynn, she's a red head and she also goes to art school.

I guess I could use this post to tell tell you a little about me. Twenty, art student  for animation. I wanna eventually work in the game industry. Uhh I have a roommate. I'm in my third year of schooling in Cleveland.

I LOVE playing videogames. All kinds. All of them. My favorite really though is Tekken and and turn based rpg. So FF. I read far to many mangas and watch far to much anime. I've cosplayed a few times.

I enjoy horror movies and gore and happy endings. As it turns out they usually don't go hand in hand haha.

Oh! Music. Edm. I've been into the music for about ten or so years now and recently in the past two got into the scene. I'm anti-PLUR movement sorry. The rest of the time I listen to movie scores and anime soundtracks.

I think that covers it really. Until next time? Maybe I'll make a post when/if I go to the hookah bar today.

But I want to keep my post a little lighter for now.

Untitled

Because that's exactly what this post is. There is not a topic, a beginning middle and end. I am going to string thought after thought and hope they link together in some fashion.

I hate change and I love change. I hate when things change not on my terms. When it's not what I like. I love change because being in one place to long I get restless. My body my mind and my soul need to be moved constantly. I feel like I'm not moving. I feel like the blue fig that I once was so excited to go to and hold memories I can't stand for more than an hour now without getting like my lungs stopped working.

I hate feeling like I don't know love and I never will. I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life yet will only ever stand on my on two feet, even when they are swept under me.

Nothing is moving fast enough. I don't have the energy to live enough, it hurts to breathe sometimes and I think I'm going to die at forty cause my mind and body will give up.

I want to live so fucking bad
I want to die so fucking bad

I'm afraid I haven't made enough of an impression and wonder if I died would anyone notice my absence.

I'm twenty and I've seen and felt and dealt with much more than I feel I should have.

Hold on
Hold on
Hold on

Stepping stones

So, quick update, I just finished talking with Alex about the situation that I, him and we? I guess maybe I shouldn't say we cause we aren't in it anymore.

It went well. It was nice seeing him. It really was enjoyable. Sure there was the initial cringe. The need to go back to safety. Out of sight out of mind right? But as we started talking more about how I felt and what happened I can say I felt a little bit of relief

We are not a little item anymore, and that's okay.

We will not date, and that's okay to.

We are really good friends and that's the best thing right now.

He said something along the lines of he missed having me to talk to and hanging around the fig and I felt like I wasn't replaced.

I was not abandoned and I was not replaced.

Don't mistake this as a recovery. It's progress but I still limited our tribe together to less than an hour and I'll continue to do that.

I'm not ready just yet.

I will still limit my time at the fig as the idea of them still stings a bit and I can still feel the sadness and I'm not going to push this to move faster than it should. If it take a few weeks to heal I will wait, if it takes two years to heal (like my last relationship, that I will touch on eventually)  I will wait. And he's okay with that too.

Talking to my friend felt good today so I will leave it at that for now.

Waking on ice

Waking on ice is dangerous. Some spots are other thick and strong, others thin and fragile. Most frozen lakes are pretty solid in most places, and you start playing around on the I've until you hit that one soft spot and you realize maybe you should've been more careful, but it's to late.

That's usually how I live my life. I don't mean I fall into the lake of darkness and it surrounds me and I can't get out kinda deal. My sickness doesn't work that way and that idea is a bit too cliche for me.

I live recklessly. With both body and heart. If I can do it I'll do it, rather I should do it or not. If I want something (or someone) I'm going to go after them(within reason, cheating is terrible), rather I should or not.

I'm afraid that if I don't take every chance I'll miss out on something. At my happiest I think I have crawled out of so many holes and drug my body through glass and fire what can I not take on? Until that fragile part is found and I'm sitting at rock bottom wondering will this be the last time.

And I'm waiting for the day where I can find a good balance.

How does this relate to me now? I get to have a talk in person with Alex about why I've become distant and our relationship/friendship.

Currently he is my weak spot.

Loss

My mother died when I was ten or eleven. I cried once at her funeral and never again after that. My mother died from heart problems from drug abuse. That was not in my control, I understood that and moved on.

I'm so very logical about my emotions. This is why I'm feelings this, this is how I should feel so I'm going to feel this.

Fun fact, emotions aren't logical.

I feel like I lost something and there are no answers. There's no definite reason as to why he likes her more than me. You can not break down when and why and how and make power point slides of reasons 1-50 so my restless brain can calm down.

I'm upset because I felt I did everything right and it wasn't enough. I'm mad because I tried my hardest and dedicated myself to it. I feel stupid because I shouldn't have. I feel jealous because I want to be her.

This is dumb. I hate this. I just wanna talk to you. I realized that I miss your presence. I miss your friendship.

BUT

Until I can get my head and my feelings on the same page. My time with you will be limited. Please bear with me.

Mid day thoughts

I find it very interesting these inspirational quotes and phrases. When in feeling down I have two friends I talk to.

One of them, SAM (always all caps) constantly tells me strong. That I can do this. That I can get over this bigger than normal bump in my road and I can carry on like "strong beautiful person I am".

The other one, Kanna, after hearing the same story told me that I shouldn't do it. "You're not ready for it yet, don't do it".

While the second one may not be so...positive? It's true. I could not just "get over him" I damn sure couldn't be around him and his new...let's call her girlfriend for my sake of moving on.

In fact the first time I stayed a total of twenty minutes. Then had a break down. The next time I stayed forty minutes, then left, no breakdown this time.

In that moment I was not a "strong beautiful person" I was very much weak and hurt and sad. That doesn't mean though, that I'm always weak hurt and sad.

My point here I guess is that not enough negativity is accepted. So often we try to solve our friends problem our comfort them with text book answers.

"It's okay"
"You can do it"
"You're so strong."

Personally I feel it didn't leave me room for error. I HAVE TO be strong to get through this.

No. I don't. I am fragile, I am sick, I can't do it. And that's okay. It's okay to be weak and not want to handle something until you get better.

To avoid anything that makes you uncomfortable or any of your triggers until you can handle it.

Tell people that it fucking sucks, they are going to hurt, and that's okay because it will get better.

That's something I enjoy hearing cause it's true.

It always gets better

P.s. Kanna is my life long friend, for over eleven years she's put up with me, it's really funny it's almost like she's my mom
SAM has been around less but she is just as important and in fact the only person I'll really cry in front of. She's softer than mom haha.

Eventually

It's 9:36 a.m. and I just woke up. This is probably the earliest I've woken up in awhile. That's not why I'm writing though. I had a dream, it's very fuzzy, not many details but I woke up with the numb, nostalgic, aftermath feeling. I'm not as opposed to it with the way I've been feeling, it's normal for me.

To shed a bit of light on things I'm currently trying to...get over someone. It feels weird even saying that cause we never actually dated. It felt like we could've, but I was not chosen. He never told me he loved me like my like roller coaster of a relationship so I'm really unsure why I'm having such a hard time accepting this.

So for the past week I've been dragging myself through glass, until I finally had a breakdown in the dark corner of my friends room. I'd like to think that I was already going downhill and he was just the tip on the iceberg, but that's not the case I don't think.

Anyways, I finally started to feel better, like I was gonna be okay. Now I know it's a bit to soon to say I've made a full recovery so I'll settle for what I can get. I've made it through the rock bottom phase now it's the bandaging stage. Where I wrap them up with promises of a better tomorrow and walk around on eggshells for fear of them tearing open again. I become very numb about things, I need this, I am to fragile to have to many emotions right now. So I lightly brush everyone and everything so even if I feel the slightest bit of danger I can run away as fast as I can.

So waking up with some longing in my chest, is normal I guess. I can still feel memories tugging but I'm doing my best to put those away until I'm strong enough to handle them

I'm also supposed to see my friend today. I'm not sure if I want to. We have a history, not a bad one, not even really a long one but there is history. Boy meets girl but girl doesn't choose boy cause girl can't settle kind of deal. He's really safe, but I just can't do it. It very much mimics my current situation in a way and if he ever felt how I felt God have mercy for the pain I caused him.

Back to the point, we're supposed to hang out today and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't want to be touched right now. In both the actual and metaphorical sense. I'm afraid if he comes back he'll get hurt.

Now do not think I have not told him. Do not think I lead him on, do not think I have done anything but tell him how I honestly feel.

Anyways, I've chosen to hang out with him because I want to keep our friendship, and I think I'm I'm limbo just enough to make it.

I feel I'm starting to ramble now so I'm gonna cut this one short.

P.S. I'm supposed to be learning more on how to drive today, so that will be fun

Saturday morning

Last night I went to a party. I expected it to be a little awkward and not as good as it was. I came back to my usual hookah bar at 3 am to hang out with my friends pretty freaking wasted. I felt good. As someone who probably drinks once a month if that, I very often forget how therapeutic getting drunk really is. I can see why people become alcoholics. But really, after this past week it was refreshing. I came home at about 5 a.m. and laid on the couch while my friend set up Jurassic world on the tv. I'd already seen it in theaters but who doesn't like watching dinosaurs while trying to keep your balance?

This morning I woke up to a rhino beetle next to my face which caused me to freak out and wake up earlier than planned. No hang over, no aftermath feeling. I did text him last night but not to the embarrassingly drunk point, but I don't think I told him the truth about the question he asked.

Or maybe I did. I didn't wake up with my heart at my feet or my limbs feeling like bricks and wanting to die. I woke up okay. I was always appreciative of how my mind for weeks could feel attached to a person, then one day something clicks and I can't remember how I felt before. My sickness is usually like that, when I'm up I'm really up, when I'm sick I'm really sick.

Either way. Last night was great, and this morning isn't much of a let down either. Hopefully the rest of my day will go like this.

Today

As you'll notice the title is today. I'm starting this blog, today. I've decided to share my life with the world, today. I've thought about ending my life, today. Contrary, I have also smiled, laughed, and resurfaced, today. So from now on, today I'm starting my path to recovery again, for probably the fourth time. And I think telling someone, anyone, about my journey would be helpful.