Fear

I went out last night and spent it at the blue fig, which is the hookah bar I basically lived at. I have been quite absent due to recent events but I started to miss it and the people there and so I decided to spend basically all night there until 6 a.m. in good company.

It was nice. It felt like nothing had changed and I had made a good decision and I'm getting even better. I'm always afraid of using the word better because it changes in an instant, my sickness is rude like that.

Then I woke up this morning, feeling....off.

Now today is Sunday. Every other Sunday they have what's called game day at the blue fig. I haven't missed one yet.

The sheer idea of talking to people made me tired. Like if they even looked at me my safety bubble would go away. I would slip and have to climb this hill all over again.

That anyone I talked to, was meaningless and would hurt me.

I very quickly recognized this feeling. I felt it mostly after I broke up officially with my on off again ex from two years ago? I'm terrible with time.

Out of all my break ups that one was the worst and the most frustrating because I lost my ability to trust and believe in anyone.

Coming from a super extrovert who loves being around people.

I felt afraid of everyone. I guess it's trust issues? But it was more than that.

Anyways back to today.

I showed face. My friend Mike was gonna loan me a few books so I decided I would go pick them up and return the last one he loaned me.

I was there for a total of ten minutes maybe less.

I wanted to stay, I was offered hookah and warm welcomes but for the time being they all felt like traps.

After leaving and going home I've settled down a bit, there's probably less people now so I might go back.

It was so interesting though. To think that my mindset from so long ago would come back.

It also made me realize how much I've changed from arguably the lowest point in my life.

I did fucking good.

P.s.

I stood up for my boundaries yesterday and I'm really proud.

P.s.s

They have this new cool thing with MAYA and live modeling and it's amazing