Fingertip Destiny

I go awhile without talking, but I feel the need to get this off my chest.

Out of my head.

I always thought I knew what love was. What I was supposed to feel and how I would find it. It would be chosen by me and I would instantly grab it and hold on to it.

I would see it and it would see me and the rest would fall into place.

That was not the case.

Love found me and I looked at it like it was a foreign.   I didn't notice it, I didn't grab it and to be fair I decided love wasn't for me.

But I stumbled right into you.

I stumbled into the way you spoke to me, into the way you motivated me, into the way you pushed me to be a better person.

I walked into the arms you held out, the warmth and security you gave. The support you gave me.

I feel into your smile, your voice, every "honey" and every "I believe in you." For all the "You can do this" and "I appreciate your love."

Love was supposed to be intense. It waa supposed to make my heart beat fast and keep me on my toes.

It does not. It calms me, gives me rest for I was tired, so very tired.

Everyday I see more and more why it was never anyone else. It could've never been, anyone else.

Because it is you.

Head Just Above Water

I think the last entry I made was a good year ago. Usually not hearing from me means I'm doing well and everything is okay. This is not the case.

It's kind of the case?

My boyfriend Mel left me. I understand I guess, but it was rough. Very, rough. I often wonder why I was so angry during our relationship. Why was I always on edge? I don't think I trusted him. I thought I did, but I didn't. There was this lack of communication? Why didn't I trust him? He never gave me a reason too?

I had a dream about him and another girl. I woke up feeling betrayed? I still wonder why he talked to her about so much sexual stuff.

I always say I've never been cheated on but it always feels like I have. Malachi never technically cheated, he just broke up whenever he wanted to fuck another girl.

Mel never cheated, he just talked about other visions bodies. "Jasmine has a better ass than you." I'm so sick of that memory honestly.

Is it a fear of replacement? Or a fear of abandonment?

I...I don't know yet.

I always joke that Ryan..oh, my new boyfriend, is too lazy to cheat.

I don't worry when he's out late

He is....interesting.

Should I worry?

A Year and a Lifetime

So I know I haven't updated in awhile. It's Christmas time and everything is fairly hectic. I brought my boyfriend home to meet the family and it was so much fun. But this post isn't about that. This post is about him.

We hit our one year anniversary and honestly can't be happier. Like I know we have had our issues and struggled to communicate and my therapy. But we made it, we made it.

I cannot put into words how much this man means to me. Mel is the sweetest, loving person and I could cry from how my heart skips beats everytime he touches me. Everytime he holds me and kisses me goodnight. The way he smells like Chinese food cause of his job. His minor forgetfulness and playful attitude.

I don't wanna live without you.

I am so in love.

I am so happy.

Sometimes it scares me that I'll have one to many episodes and he'll leave.

I miss you.

New start and missing cats

Whew, okay so we FINALLY moved. We actually moved the day I made my last post blah blah on the fifth blah blah everything worked out. For the most part. I sill have some lose ends to tie up back at the old house but really I'm just excited that my home isn't falling apart anymore.

The only bad thing that really happened was my cat (Laney Artemis) managed to escape and that was like icing on the cake that day so I just started crying and my boyfriend is probably like fuck man no don't cry it okay and tryna calm me down.

She got lost in the driveway. She is home now. Fucking dunce.

Other than that we moved everything in the house and are slowly very slowly unpacking haha.

OH. So our roommates Peter and Madison have a lot of pets like at least probably six and at first I was like dude no way then like three of them are fish and the rest are like tank/caged and then another cat. So two cats a bunny, a bearded Dragon, hedgehog and some lizards. I think I got it all? Either way I feel like zaboomafoo and it's the coolest. Their cat is really fluffy and cute too. Long story short lots of step pets I enjoy greatly.

As far as the house goes we are only waiting on gas and some more money so buy things like toasters and blenders and stuff like that. Hopefully by the time school starts I will have a nice little work routine with my job and home.

Last thing this time for real. Mel is getting a car in a couple months so maybe I can actually learn to drive.

Okay until next time.

Moving

Okay so if you didn't know, I stress hella easy, so very easy. I need everything to be smooth and go as planned or I freak out. If one thing goes bad everything is bad, paranoid of the domino effect? Anyways I'm in the process of moving.

We NEED to get out of our current house (me and bae aka Mel if you don't know his name) it's falling apart and to be honest should be condemned. So after searching forever, losing the apartment we originally wanted we finally found a place with our roommates Peter and Madison and it seemed like everything would go well. It's a bit pricey and the landlord didn't lower the deposit so we had to pay about 1800 between all of us. That was the roughest but we finally got it all together.

Moving day comes and suddenly we might need more money and people aren't responding and just everything is fucking up and I can't do anything cause I'm stuck at work cause I have to or I can't afford the down payment and I just need someone to tell me everything will be okay.

Gahhhhh okay rant over.

Return Stamp pt 2

I should start writing during the day and not at some ungodly hour at night. I get so busy though. I figure I should do some which update about my life since I've been gone so long. Outside of relationships, I've been fairly successful. I graduate college next year, I've found a job at this little tea shop. It's a little hectic but the work place freedom is nice. I'm moving into my first apartment, with Mel and his frIends. Really excited because it's such a nice place. Things are finally looking up you know? I don't really want to talk to much about relationships in this post because I read my old entries both here and the ones I physically right and that's all they consist of. I measure different times in my life by my old relationships and not actual dates, that's not okay haha. Or maybe it's because most of my relationships consumed my life so that's all I cared about 24/7. Whatever. Anyways, I'm actually getting a little sleepy writing this so I'll call it a night yeah?

Return Stamp

It's almost a year later. I'm intoxicated as I write this but I promise the feelings are nothing short of real. I love you so much. I've found a boyfriend. It's not Alex. I'm so glad it wasn't him. I'm so glad it wasn't anyone but Mel. He's everything I could ask for. It's off, reading post about old post about Alex, I wanted him so bad you know. I probably would've treated it like my last relationship to, bending over to please him no matter the cost. Not this one though, he's really everything I could've asked for. Mel is loving and caring and kind. I can say no to sex and not feel guilty. He will wake me up in the morning with kisses snd tell me I'm beautiful. I don't feel line I constantly have to compete with other girls body. Maybe if I had bigger Boobs or bigger ass or if I was prettier. I've never had to feel that with him cause he makes me feel like his princess and it's really good after everything I've been through to find someone who loves me unconditionally. I want him forever, never let him go. He's so good to me even when I have my.episodes of jealousy or jumping to conclusions. I really don't mean to, it's like one moment I'm okay and the next something triggers and I'm some shity human being who deserves to die. But he still wraps his arms around me and kisses me good night. I am happy. I am well. I am his girlfriend and I couldn't ask for more