Sunday, July 26, 2015

Eventually

It's 9:36 a.m. and I just woke up. This is probably the earliest I've woken up in awhile. That's not why I'm writing though. I had a dream, it's very fuzzy, not many details but I woke up with the numb, nostalgic, aftermath feeling. I'm not as opposed to it with the way I've been feeling, it's normal for me.

To shed a bit of light on things I'm currently trying to...get over someone. It feels weird even saying that cause we never actually dated. It felt like we could've, but I was not chosen. He never told me he loved me like my like roller coaster of a relationship so I'm really unsure why I'm having such a hard time accepting this.

So for the past week I've been dragging myself through glass, until I finally had a breakdown in the dark corner of my friends room. I'd like to think that I was already going downhill and he was just the tip on the iceberg, but that's not the case I don't think.

Anyways, I finally started to feel better, like I was gonna be okay. Now I know it's a bit to soon to say I've made a full recovery so I'll settle for what I can get. I've made it through the rock bottom phase now it's the bandaging stage. Where I wrap them up with promises of a better tomorrow and walk around on eggshells for fear of them tearing open again. I become very numb about things, I need this, I am to fragile to have to many emotions right now. So I lightly brush everyone and everything so even if I feel the slightest bit of danger I can run away as fast as I can.

So waking up with some longing in my chest, is normal I guess. I can still feel memories tugging but I'm doing my best to put those away until I'm strong enough to handle them

I'm also supposed to see my friend today. I'm not sure if I want to. We have a history, not a bad one, not even really a long one but there is history. Boy meets girl but girl doesn't choose boy cause girl can't settle kind of deal. He's really safe, but I just can't do it. It very much mimics my current situation in a way and if he ever felt how I felt God have mercy for the pain I caused him.

Back to the point, we're supposed to hang out today and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't want to be touched right now. In both the actual and metaphorical sense. I'm afraid if he comes back he'll get hurt.

Now do not think I have not told him. Do not think I lead him on, do not think I have done anything but tell him how I honestly feel.

Anyways, I've chosen to hang out with him because I want to keep our friendship, and I think I'm I'm limbo just enough to make it.

I feel I'm starting to ramble now so I'm gonna cut this one short.

P.S. I'm supposed to be learning more on how to drive today, so that will be fun

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