Untitled

Because that's exactly what this post is. There is not a topic, a beginning middle and end. I am going to string thought after thought and hope they link together in some fashion.

I hate change and I love change. I hate when things change not on my terms. When it's not what I like. I love change because being in one place to long I get restless. My body my mind and my soul need to be moved constantly. I feel like I'm not moving. I feel like the blue fig that I once was so excited to go to and hold memories I can't stand for more than an hour now without getting like my lungs stopped working.

I hate feeling like I don't know love and I never will. I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life yet will only ever stand on my on two feet, even when they are swept under me.

Nothing is moving fast enough. I don't have the energy to live enough, it hurts to breathe sometimes and I think I'm going to die at forty cause my mind and body will give up.

I want to live so fucking bad
I want to die so fucking bad

I'm afraid I haven't made enough of an impression and wonder if I died would anyone notice my absence.

I'm twenty and I've seen and felt and dealt with much more than I feel I should have.

Hold on
Hold on
Hold on