Fear pt. 2

I'm not really sure how to start this off or where to start cause I'm not sure how I'm feeling.

For the past few days I've been having these dreams that just leave me feeling drained and exhausted. I'm curious as to if I have pushed my safety bubble to far.

I'm not really sad but I'm afraid. Of what I'm not sure of either.

That's actually a lie, the things I'm afraid don't have a end all be all. There are no answers.

I'm afraid I'll never have any kind of faith. Other people make it look so easily and I'd love to think that if my life is going astray that some higher power can fix it. Some higher power can make me all better. I can't, I stare at my hands and think this is all I can ever rely on.

I'm afraid that doubt will always get in the way. Branching off of my previous statement, I don't think I can ever fully believe in anything or anyone. Sure there are people who I trust more than others but there's always this constant paranoia that people are lying. They hate me. That I could die today and wouldn't be missed.

Maybe that's another fear in and of itself. That I'm easily replaced. It's funny how shit that happened years ago stays in your subconscious. That no matter what I do I'll be close, so close, but never good enough for anyone and anything.

I'm scared that I cannot be loved, or I never will be. I had one parent growing up, and that was a shit situation. I think that's when I developed my saviour complex. No matter what you did, I was going to save you. I would do anything to make it okay. This followed me into high school when my first boyfriend added to the fear of replacement by constantly telling me that he could always go to other girls and do the same thing. So now I have to save him but also do it how he likes it so he keeps me. Which eventually led me to my most destructive relationship in which I basically destroyed myself to try to save him, while he continued to destroy him.

After hitting rock bottom I very quickly gave up my savior complex. It was literally going to be reason I died, and I've already promised, if I ever kill myself it wouldn't be over a boy. I have to much pride to give him that satisfaction. Looking back, I've never gotten a proper form of love (romantically) so how the hell is this supposed to work cause I don't fucking know.

I'm afraid of being stagnant. Being stuck in one place, or situation, or part of my life forever. Maybe that's why I'm so restless. I can't live forever working a 9 to 5 with some mediocre relationship and kids wishing I would've tried more. No, I'm not settling for some sort of complacency for convenience or for safety. What doesn't kill you makes for a good story.

I'm afraid of marriage. Sure, I say I don't want to get married, and I don't because if I fall in love with someone for five years or do and they tell me they don't love me anymore I'm not sure if I could ever handle that. Marriage is a much bigger commitment than dating. If you break up after just dating, that's a lot easier to me. So to avoid the situation I'll never put myself in it.

I'm afraid of having kids cause I'll treat them like my mom treated me. It's that simple. Even now my my response is to hit kids when they irritate me or make me mad. I'm not putting anyone through that. No one.

One day hopefully I won't have any of these fears. Progress is slow but still progress right?

Nudity and Bullshit

Being an artist, and not that of the traditional kind, makes life as an artist interesting. I get the basic questions "oh do you draw?" Or "can you draw me?" The whole nine yards. Usually though once I tell them I'm an animator I get oooh and wow and "you'll work at *insert popular studio name here* one day" instead of the "maybe you should find a really job", which is kinda cool.

But that's not what this post is about.

As an artist I have a certain preference in the art I enjoy. I need it to make me feel something.

I've always tried to keep that in mind with my own art.

When I say feel I don't mean the blatantly obvious irony that needs to appeal to the basic "think outside the box" mentality.

For the longest I've been trying to find words to describe why looking at impressionist or cubism paintings never made me feel anything yet watching a girl drop paint filled eggs out of her vagina moved me.

I need to feel intimacy and vulnerability.

I think that's partially why I'm so attracted to nude art.

I need art to give me something so rarely found with people. Trust me, as someone who interacts with lots of different people daily, it's hard to actually get to know them.

Even with some of my friends, we laugh and joke around but we never really move past the surface. With some of the people I've had sex with have brought me nothing more than minor entertainment for a few hours (or minutes if they're that guy).

Perhaps, as bad as it sounds, why I play with peoples minds. I want to know what makes you tick, what gets under your skin at 1 am and what soothes you 4.

People are more than profiles to be edited

I just finished reading this Vice article about this photographer who took a picture every time she cried for three years. Emily Knecht is her name.

This idea has been around for awhile. Many people have taken pictures of themselves of other people. Very common in the trans community to show progress. To show a time lapse of some sort.

What I find different about Knecht is its direct opposite of the idea. There is no time lapse. In fact we see the same moment, ideally, every time. Crying is one of the most vulnerable state another human can show. We show it as a sign of relief, of a breaking point, of happiness. We also tend to hide it. We don't want others to see us cry. We don't want to crack the surface. Yet, here she is, for three years showing the world every, single, moment, rather it was happy or sad.

They are also very good shots too.

So there you have it. In my animations I hope to achieve the same thing. One of my favorites, Don Hertzfeldt World of Tomorrow is along the lines of what I want to do. No no no I haven't given up my idea of working in the game industry but at some point I want to freelance.

This was a nice break from my feely feels.

Fear

I went out last night and spent it at the blue fig, which is the hookah bar I basically lived at. I have been quite absent due to recent events but I started to miss it and the people there and so I decided to spend basically all night there until 6 a.m. in good company.

It was nice. It felt like nothing had changed and I had made a good decision and I'm getting even better. I'm always afraid of using the word better because it changes in an instant, my sickness is rude like that.

Then I woke up this morning, feeling....off.

Now today is Sunday. Every other Sunday they have what's called game day at the blue fig. I haven't missed one yet.

The sheer idea of talking to people made me tired. Like if they even looked at me my safety bubble would go away. I would slip and have to climb this hill all over again.

That anyone I talked to, was meaningless and would hurt me.

I very quickly recognized this feeling. I felt it mostly after I broke up officially with my on off again ex from two years ago? I'm terrible with time.

Out of all my break ups that one was the worst and the most frustrating because I lost my ability to trust and believe in anyone.

Coming from a super extrovert who loves being around people.

I felt afraid of everyone. I guess it's trust issues? But it was more than that.

Anyways back to today.

I showed face. My friend Mike was gonna loan me a few books so I decided I would go pick them up and return the last one he loaned me.

I was there for a total of ten minutes maybe less.

I wanted to stay, I was offered hookah and warm welcomes but for the time being they all felt like traps.

After leaving and going home I've settled down a bit, there's probably less people now so I might go back.

It was so interesting though. To think that my mindset from so long ago would come back.

It also made me realize how much I've changed from arguably the lowest point in my life.

I did fucking good.

P.s.

I stood up for my boundaries yesterday and I'm really proud.

P.s.s

They have this new cool thing with MAYA and live modeling and it's amazing

Dots, points and lines

I am extremely restless. I need constant change. I have stayed in this city for far too long and I need to go.

I need something to change because my mind is constantly three steps ahead of me and I can't keep up with the dreams or my fears our my nightmares

There is a constant motion and I want to jump off this huge wheel and fall into the unknown because everyday has become like the last.

I'm afraid to leave my safe bubble but I'm fighting against how small it is.

I am fighting for something.

What am I fighting for?

I watch my roommate suffer and I feel like I can't help her and that hurts

I watch my roommate suffer and I look down and see a reflection of myself sometimes and I'm afraid I'll die

I don't want to die

I'm gonna find a home

If it's the last thing I'll do I'm going to find a place to settle down.

I will find my calm